CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, February 18, 2002

Ethnic profiling: bad and good

This pressure also caused the Government of France to fall. The interim government moved from Paris to Vichy. Sensing another invasion opportunity, Germany invaded France again. The United Nations Security Council decided to punish both France and Germany by requiring the Germans to occupy France -- forever.

But before the judging scandal could be corrected another contest was held between an American, an Italian and a Norwegian. Question: Who won? Answer: A Russian.That was followed by another event between a Mexican, an Austrian and a Spaniard. Question: Who won that contest? Answer. A Russian.

In the men’s speed skating competition, the entrants were: an American, a South Korean, a Canadian, a Chinese and an Australian. In the final lap and just 20 meters from the finish line with the American in the lead and certain to win a gold medal, the South Korean placed a Denver Bronco chop block on the American. The resulting pile up knocked four racers off their skates leaving only the Australian skater able to cross the finish line standing up. Question: Who won that race? Answer: A Russian.

What accounts for these strange outcomes? Ethnic profiling, pure and simple. That the judges from the former USSR and its former satellites conspire to help each other win Olympic medals is beyond dispute. Event fixing by the Soviet Bloc and the pressuring of non-Soviet Block judges were common during the Cold War and those practices continue into the Salt Lake Olympics. So, if an Olympic athlete looks Slavic – especially a Russian – his or her chances of winning are greatly enhanced.

But, when it comes to public safety, not all profiling is bad. The following multiple-choice examination makes that point. Although I searched the Internet for the name of the brilliant author of this test, it could not be found. That said, we are all indebted to him or her for the insights this exam provides:

In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by: (a) Norwegians. (b) Elvis. (c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women. (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by: (a) A pizza delivery boy. (b) Crazed feminists complaining that being able to throw a grenade beyond its own bursting radius was an unfair and sexist requirement in basic training. (c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day. (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by: (a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2." (b) The Tooth Fairy. (c) Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite left over. (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by: (a) Mr. Rogers. (b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill’s women problems. (c) The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next villain:"Mustapha the Merciless." (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by: (a) Bugs Bunny, Wile E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd. (b) The Supreme Court of Florida trying to outdo its attempted hijacking of the 2000 Presidential election. (c) Mr. Bean. (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

Again, we are indebted to the anonymous author of this test which was taken and failed by the entire staff of the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU).

William Hamilton, a nationally syndicated columnist and commentator for USA Today, is the co-author of The Grand Conspiracy by William Penn – a novel about terrorism in Colorado’s high country. See:www.thegrandconspiracy.com.

©2002. William Hamilton.

Dr. Hamilton can be contacted at:

Email: william@central-view.com