CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, March 1, 2004

The Pig Fat Deterrent: Whose idea was that?

A primary motivation of the Islamic suicide bombers is to achieve instant entry into Islamic Paradise where they believe they will be embraced by Allah and the Prophet Muhammad and then rewarded by the gift of seven virgins. But what would be the point of being blown to bits if, in the end, one is ineligible to enter Islamic Paradise?

Muslims believe the ingestion or infusion of any part of a pig’s body or blood into their bodies will deny them entry into Muslim Paradise. For that reason, Israeli officials have a plan to hang bags of pig lard on buses, in train stations and other public places which might be the target of suicide bombers. Along with that will be a public relations campaign telling prospective suicide bombers how their exploded blood and body parts will be mixed with exploded pig lard. With their bodies defiled by pig particles, they will be ineligible for entry into the Muslim Paradise.

Although Jews have somewhat similar views about swine being unclean, Rabbi Eliezer Moshe Fisher, of the Jerusalem Rabbinical Court, stated there is no Jewish law that would forbid placing bags of pig lard in buses and other places where so doing might save Jewish lives. Apparently, Jews can be atomized along with the pig lard and still, after meeting certain other conditions outlined in the Old Testament, attain Heaven.

This real-life pig lard situation in Israel is of more than passing interest to this observer and his co-author of The Panama Conspiracy by William Penn. In that work of fiction, which first appeared in April 2003, we created a way for the CIA to cause the death of Osama bin Laden so that bin Laden’s death could not be directly attributed to the U.S. Government. Why the deception? So as not to further inflame the Islamic radicals.

Like all good fiction, we worked from a basis of actual facts: It is widely believed that bin Laden suffers from both diabetes and renal disease. Therefore, for many years, bin Laden has received injections of Insulin. Until just a few years ago, Insulin was manufactured from the pancreas of both cattle and swine, in combination. Today, Insulin is made from recombinant DNA. But because the bin Laden family has a history of both heart disease and diabetes, the odds are that bin Laden developed diabetes long enough ago that he received injections of Insulin made, in part, from the pancreas of pigs. Bingo! Osama bin Laden, the leader of al Qaeda and Muslim fanatic, doesn’t have a Muslim prayer of entering the Muslim Paradise.

But it was bin Laden’s need for periodic dialysis treatments to rid his blood of the impurities his failing kidneys cannot eliminate naturally that provided the opportunity for him to be killed without leaving the fingerprints of the United States.

Back to scientific fact: Without a municipal power supply, dialysis machines must rely on gasoline- or diesel-powered generators for electricity. Diesel fuel is notoriously susceptible to contamination by microbes called: Cladosporium Resinae, which are commonly found in bread mould. Unless diesel fuel is treated with a microbe killer, such as Biodor JF, the presence of microbes will quickly turn diesel fuel into an unusable jelly-like substance.

No diesel fuel, no electric generator. No electricity, no dialysis. No dialysis, no bin Laden. Thus, part of the plot is devoted to getting into bin Laden’s Tora Bora headquarters to infect the diesel fuel supply. But the finishing touch is to let bin Laden know his earlier Insulin supply was made from pig pancreas. If you read the novel, you learn how all this works out in the end.

Meanwhile, it is the authors’ Walter Mitty dream that the scheme we cooked up back in April 2003 may have inspired the Israelis to festoon their buses, trains and public places with bags of pig fat.

William Hamilton, a nationally syndicated columnist and featured commentator for USA Today, is the co-author of The Grand Conspiracy and The Panama Conspiracy – novels about terrorist attacks on Colorado’s water supply and on the Panama Canal, respectively.

©2004. William Hamilton.

Dr. Hamilton can be contacted at:

Email: william@central-view.com