CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, August 16, 2004

Some Cajun advice for John Kerry

This anonymous bit of humor came by e-mail. It is edited only for length:

“Dear Senator Kerry

I am the Designated Letter Writer for the guys down to Daryl’s Bait Shop here in Lagniappe, Louisiana. We have been shaking our heads over your stumbling campaign. It ain’t so much we like you or your Party… we [just] don’t want you to disgrace yourself. Here are 10 helpful hints we have worked up for you:

1. QUIT TELLING US THAT YOU SERVED IN NAM… Geez, it was 35 years ago you did that for what was it, just four months? Some of us Daryl’s Bait Shop guys spent more time than that in chow lines in Nam.

2. GET YOUR STORIES STRAIGHT. Admit you threw… medals and/or ribbons over the Capitol fence in ’71, and you went touring around with Jane Fonda, and you testified falsely to atrocities by US troops. You ought to say that was all a youthful mistake. We’ve made a few….

3. TALK FRENCH TO FRENCH REPORTERS , IF YOU WANT TO. It’s OK, we don’t mind. Smilin’ Jack Boudreaux can speak French too, and we elected him Chief of the Lagniappe Volunteer Fire Company. We’re not bigots….

4. BRAG ABOUT YOUR GOOD LUCK IN SNAGGIN’ NOT ONE, BUT TWO RICH WIVES. Here at Daryl’s we often wonder what it would be like to have a really rich wife. We speculate just how big a bass boat we could buy….You don’t have to cook all of that ketchup, do you? Come on, tell the world how lucky you are. We here in South Louisiana respect achievement and don’t begrudge someone’s good fortune, even if he’s a politician.

5. GO TO THE WRASSLIN’ MATCHES AND HUSTLE VOTES. … [But} you got to tread easy on showing you’re Joe Sixpack who just happened to go to a Swiss prep school and St. Paul’s School and Yale College Skull & Bones. We’d see through that pose in about a minute and a half and mark you for a hypocritical windbag and general liar. Don’t go to the trouble of hanging a black velvet Elvis oil painting in any of your many living rooms. Weren’t none of us that recently fell off a turnip truck.

6. TELL US SOMETHING THAT YOU’RE FOR. We already know what you’re against.

7. QUIT BOWING IN THE DIRECTION OF THE U.N. AND PROMISING TO GO THERE FIRST THING, IF YOU ARE ELECTED PRESIDENT. We ain’t all that impressed with the UN and we don’t know why you are. Is there anything the UN has ever done right? Didn’t they make a royal mess of that Iraq oil-for-food program, like BILLIONS OF DOLLARS that was skimmed off that just happened to land in their personal bank accounts?…

8. QUIT FLIP-FLOPPING. If you’re for lower gasoline prices in the morning, don’t be proposing a 50-cents a gallon tax increase on gasoline in the afternoon. Saying one thing in Shreveport and the opposite in Baton Rouge don’t inspire us with confidence in you as President. Maybe you should stay in the Senate where you got 99 other guys to share the responsibility with, especially since you’ve missed 89% of the roll call votes this year.

9. QUIT TELLING US HOW POOR AND UNEMPLOYED WE ARE. We got indoor toilets, color TV, cell phones, and computers. Give us Cajuns some credit ….We know economic conditions are good and getting better. Your telling us we’re miserable … gives us the distinct feeling that you’re hoping for a relapse into recession to help your electoral chances.

10. GET IN TOUCH WITH THE REAL AMERICA. …You still seem out of touch with your party and with America. We all think the best thing you can do is … take off for Sturgis. Meet the folks. A few of us from Daryl’s will be there. Y’all don’t have to get tattooed. We promise.

Sincerely,

Cooter.”

William Hamilton, a syndicated columnist and featured commentator for USA Today, checks his e-mail about a dozen times a day. Sometimes, that nets some real gems.

Dr. Hamilton can be contacted at:

Email: william@central-view.com