CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, May 21, 2007

Did I shave off all my body hair just for this?

Country music fans may recall Deana Carter’s song: “Did I shave my legs just for this?” It’s the lament of a woman who thought her efforts to improve her appearance would help her find a worthy male companion. Apparently, the person she attracted wasn’t worthy of her efforts.

That brings to mind that many of the Islamic suicide bombers shave off their body hair in an effort to be “clean” prior to their promised entry into Islamic Paradise and their opportunity to ravish the promised 72 virgins.

This might strike those of a different religious persuasion as rather odd. Assuming there might be some physical manifestation of the “clean” suicide bomber that reaches Islamic Paradise, wouldn’t those bits and pieces be embedded with elements of the explosives used, such as ammonium nitrate (fertilizer), and, thereby, be unclean?

But what if Allah or whoever tends the Islamic Pearly Gates, says, “Hold it, Abdul. You can’t come here. Shaving off all your body hair doesn’t overcome the fact you stink like fertilizer. Besides, we are running out of virgins.”

Imagine, standing right behind the keeper of the Islamic Pearly Gates, is a huge crowd of Muslims -- all the innocent victims of Abdul’s bombing attack on their local market. They are shouting encouragement to the Keeper of the Islamic Pearly Gates chanting, “Kill infidels, Yes! Kill us, No! Keep that hairless, stinky Abdul out of here!”

This fictional example brings us to the two fundament questions that might be plaguing many of the adherents of Islam. The Koran (4:29-30) forbids suicide. Moreover, in a hadith, the Prophet Muhammad opines that suicide and the taking of the lives of the innocent – particularly, women and children – are prohibited.

But today’s jihadists interpret these writings in such a way to make a “suicide exception” if jihad is declared and waged against the infidels. So it is that young Muslim boys (even some girls) are taught they have a duty to blow themselves up in the interest of jihad. Collateral damage is excused on the basis that if the innocent bystanders are good Muslims to begin with, then they will be in Islamic Paradise alongside the suicide bomber who killed them. Yeah, right.

Wait a minute. If all it takes to enter Islamic Paradise is just being a good Muslim, what’s the point of committing suicide and running the risk that whoever controls the entrance to Islamic Paradise might not buy the so-called “jihad exception.” After all, Muhammad is not around to tell us what he really meant.

That being the case, it is all a matter of interpretation -- the truth of which isn’t available by resort to google.com or ask.com or Yahoo! (Of course, if you haven’t been a good Muslim to begin with, the suicide gambit could overcome a lot of drinking, whoring, reading Hustler and Playboy and books by Al Gore, Michael Moore, Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan.)

This raises the possibility that the earlier interpretations: i.e., don’t kill yourself, don’t kill the innocent, could still be in effect. So, suppose the Keepers of the Islamic Pearly Gates hold to Koran (4:29-30) where it states: “O ye who believe! Eat not up your property among yourselves in vanities… nor kill or destroy yourselves.” And follow what Muhammad said, in a hadith: “He who commits suicide by throttling shall keep on throttling himself in Hell-fire forever, and he who commits suicide by stabbing himself shall keep on stabbing himself in the Hell-fire.”

In other words, if young Abdul commits suicide by blowing himself up, then he shall keep on blowing himself up over and over again in the Hell-fire for all eternity. Maybe, Abdul will be asking himself: “Did I shave off all my body hair just for this?”

Syndicated columnist and featured commentator for USA Today, William Hamilton, is a Distinguished Graduate of the U.S. Naval War College and a former research fellow at the U.S. Military History Institute of the U.S. Army War College. Writing as William Penn, he, and his wife, are the co-authors of The Grand Conspiracy and The Panama Conspiracy – two thrillers about terrorism directed against the United States.

©2007. William Hamilton.

Dr. Hamilton can be contacted at:

Email: william@central-view.com