CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, November 29, 2010

Group Four: You’ve been profiled!

Many American agree with the proposition that individuals should not be profiled just because they practice a certain religion or come from a certain part of the world or belong to a particular race. It follows then that the vast majority of Americans would be seriously offended is they realized they have been profiled by the Touching Sensitive Areas (TSA), which is sometimes known as the Transportation Security Administration.

You see, there are possibly three groups of people who are exempt from being screened by the back-scatter X-ray machines that can cause skin cancer and should not be used on people such as cancer survivors who have already been exposed to repeated doses of radiation.

Group One includes: cabinet secretaries, top congressional leaders and key senior U.S. officials, airline pilots and flight attendants. According to a November 10, 2010, press release from the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR), full body scans are a violation of Islamic law. Therefore, Muslim women should not submit to a full-body scan or to a full-body pat-down. They should only allow the neck and head area to be patted down. In fact, they should ask to do their own pat-down of the area around the neck and head. Assuming the TSA “submits” to CAIR’s pronouncements, that would form Group Two.

It appears Group Three includes young males who come from the Middle East or other areas known to be the birthplace of people who have engaged in terrorist acts against the United States.

So, if the foregoing groups are exempted, where does that leave those who are not included in those groups? You got it. If you do not belong to any of the above-listed groups, then you are in Group Four which has been “profiled” as the group that must submit to the back-scatter radiation machines or submit to the TSA pat-downs. In other words, you have been “profiled” by the Rule of Exception.

If memory serves, males from Group Three attacked the United States on 9/11, causing the creation of the TSA. A male from Group Three had a bomb in his shoe, causing everyone in Group Four to remove their shoes for screening. The British uncovered a plot by Group Three to use explosive liquids to blow up airliners, causing the TSA to limit carry-on liquids to three oz. or less. A male from Group Three had a bomb in his underwear, causing those in Group Four who refuse back-scatter radiation to have their private parts groped by TSA screeners. Is there a pattern here?

But wait. There’s help. Group Four males could dress to look like Group Three males by wearing the Keffiyeh or the Ghutra or the Shemagh headdress. Group Four females could dress to look like Group Two females by wearing the Hijab scarf and/or the Burqa (full-body gown) and the Niqab (the veil over the eyes). These items can be purchased at: www.thehijabshop.com or at: www.hookah4less.com or even at www.uscav.com.

Caution: If you do not know the proper way to wear the Keffiyeh or Ghutra or the Shemagh or the Hijab or the Burqa or the Niqab, the highly-trained TSA inspectors will spot you for an imposter and throw you into the dreaded Group Four where you must appear naked in the back-scatter radiation machine or submit to having your private places and parts poked and prodded by TSA professionals.

But wait. There’s even more help. Hookah4less.com and other websites, such as www.youtube.com, have videos demonstrating the proper donning of these items of clothing. Worried about radiation? Check out www.flyingpasties.com. They sell radiation shields for the breasts and groin they say are “scientifically tested to block radiation and keep your private parts invisible.”

Armed with all this knowledge, you might even make your flight on time. Is this a wonderful post-9/11 world or what?

Nationally syndicated columnist, William Hamilton, was educated at the University of Oklahoma, the George Washington University, the U.S Naval War College, the University of Nebraska, and Harvard University.

©2010. William Hamilton.

Dr. Hamilton can be contacted at:

Email: william@central-view.com