CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, April 30, 2012

Mass punishment: Reinvented

Long ago, the U.S. military did away with “mass punishment.” For example, when one trooper went AWOL, it was not uncommon for the good troops who did not go AWOL to be confined to their barracks until the one bad trooper was found or declared a deserter. But now, in the wake of Hookergate, the Obama Administration is inventing forms of mass punishment that could cause mature, no-nonsense U.S. Secret Service (USSS) agents to say: Adios!

Under the new rules, before USSS agents may go abroad, they must take classes on ethics and proper behavior conducted by members of the U.S. Diplomatic Corps. If you know anything about the tensions between warriors and diplomats – tough men who carry guns versus effete, Champagne-sipping, Ivy-Leaguers in striped pants – you can imagine the outrage of the innocent USSS agents. Of course, there will be an exam.

Secondly, when USSS agents want to enjoy the exotic sights and sounds of foreign lands, they must be escorted around town by an official chaperone trained in ethics and proper deportment. The role of the newly-invented Chaperone Corps will be to prevent USSS agents from cavorting in “non-reputable” establishments.

To help the Obamessiahs do this chaperone business correctly, here are some suggestions: Because observant Muslims abhor alcohol, the male USSS agents should be chaperoned by Muslim males. For female USSS agents, the Spanish practice of “duenna” should be adopted so female USSS agents are chaperoned by older, post-menopausal women who will not permit them unsupervised contact with males.

Recently, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs-of-Staff said he was embarrassed that the activities of a handful of military personnel in Columbia had taken the spotlight off of Mr. Obama’s visit. Government is always changing. Prior to Hookergate, embarrassing the White House was the role of Vice-President Joe Biden. One late-night TV host suggested the USSS agents and military personnel in Cartagena were merely providing Columbian hookers with jobs that American hookers will not do.

Millions of your tax dollars have been spent to discover that subordinates tend to model their behavior after their superiors. It is called: Leadership. In the military, poor units have poor leaders, average units have average leaders, and outstanding units have outstanding leaders.

So, it would be interesting if the mainstream media would look into the off-duty behavior of the USSS agents who served President Reagan, President H.W. Bush, and President George W. Bush. How did they behave? Did they model after their famously strait-laced leaders or were they USSS agents gone wild?

But strange rules or legislation are not confined to the Obama Administration. Last week, Egypt’s Al-Arabiya TV channel reported that the new Egyptian parliamentary majority -- which the Obama Administration helped bring to power -- is currently discussing two new laws: One law would make necrophilia permissible within six hours of the death of a spouse. The other law would lower the legal age of marriage for girls to 14 years.

Last week, two U.S. Senators -- one Democrat and one Republican -- introduced legislation to remove the word “lunatic” from all federal statutes and writings. But then, who would run the Washington asylum? In 1935, comedian Will Rogers said, “I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”

Oops. Almost forgot the exam. “Hooker recognition” will be part of the State Department’s pre-deployment testing for USSS agents. Sample question: How do you detect the hooker in the Miss America pageant? Hint: The answer is on one of the State banners.

Nationally syndicated columnist, William Hamilton, was educated at the University of Oklahoma, the George Washington University, the U.S Naval War College, the University of Nebraska, and Harvard University.

©2012. William Hamilton.

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