CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, February 25, 2013

Coming soon: The ObamaDrones

As a public service for readers who fear being hit by an ObamaDrone, here are the 22 drone-avoidance tips currently in use by al-Qaeda. Source: Associated Press. These have been edited only for brevity and clarity; however, some parenthetical comments have been added.

"1. If you are good with computers, buy the Russian-made ’sky-grabber’ device for $2,595 and use it. (Is there a discount for two?)

2. Or, buy the Russian-made ’Racal’ device that broadcasts in confusing frequencies. (No price given. Try eBay.)

3. Spread reflective pieces of glass on your car or roof. (Aren’t broken mirrors bad luck?)

4. Use skilled snipers to shoot down low-flying drones. (But if your guns are grabbed by the feds, this will become much harder.)

5. Use an ordinary water-lifting dynamo with a 100-foot copper pole. (I have no idea what this one means.)

6. Run microwave ovens in various places to attract the drones. (Apparently, the Yugoslav Army did this to confuse incoming NATO missiles.)

7. Keep moving. Have no permanent headquarters. (For a mobile society, this should be relatively easy.)

8. Give early warning of drones and stop moving. (Conflicts with 7. above.)

10. Hide under thick trees because they are the best cover against the drones. (The Pine Beetles make this more difficult.)

11. Stay in places unlit by the sun. (For non-Muslims, local pubs should be a welcome choice.)

12. Don’t use your radios. (Bad news for teens with boom boxes. Good news for anyone with a scintilla of musical taste.)

13. Under attack, multiple occupants should flee rapidly in different directions. (Excellent example: Office buildings toward 5:00 p.m.)

14. Use buildings with lots of entrances and exits. (Government buildings.)

15. Use underground shelters. (But not during super-storms like Sandy.)

16. Avoid open areas. (Bad news for national parks and recreation areas.)

17. Form anti-spy groups. (Where’s the John Birch Society when we need it?)

18.Set out groups of dummies to mislead the enemy. (ACLU and AARP meetings make good decoys.)

19. When under fire, scatter in all directions. (Congress is a good model.)

20. If you just absolutely have to hold a meeting, use forests or caves. (Too bad teleconferences are already out.)

21. Set forest fires to create smoke over target areas. (Some government agencies are good at this.)

22. Top leaders whose voices have been "tagged," should stop broadcasting." (Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, watch out.)

So, there you have it, folks. Take it from al-Qaeda. The experts on drone-avoidance.

Nationally syndicated columnist, William Hamilton, was educated at the University of Oklahoma, the George Washington University, the U.S Naval War College, the University of Nebraska, and Harvard University.

©2013. William Hamilton.

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