CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, November 11, 2013

The Affordable Boat Act

Columnist Ann Coulter points out that ObamaCare will force gays to buy maternity coverage, Mormons must pay for gambling addiction therapy, elderly couples must pay for pediatric dental care, and Catholic hospitals must pay for birth control and abortions. What follows is a satire going around the Internet that points out the absurdity of ObamaCare: The Affordable Boat Act:

"The U.S. government has just passed a new law called: ’The Affordable Boat Act’ declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new boat, by April 2014. These ’affordable’ boats will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000 each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, licensing, and registration fees, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance or repair costs.

This law has been passed, because until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase boats. This new law ensures that every American can now have an ’affordable’ boat of their own, because everyone is entitled to a new boat. If you purchase your boat before the end of the year, you will receive 4 ’free’ life jackets; not including monthly usage fees.

In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable boat, the costs of owning a boat will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don’t want or can’t afford to maintain. But to be fair, people who can’t afford to maintain their boat will be regularly fined, and children (under the age of 26) can use their parent’s boats to party on until they turn 27; then must purchase their own boat.

If you already have a boat, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you can’t). If you don’t want or don’t need a boat, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or can’t afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one, or face imprisonment.

Failure to use the boat will also result in fines. People living in the desert, ghettos, inner cities or areas with no access to lakes are not exempt. Neither age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge, nor lack of desire are acceptable excuses for not using your boat.

A government review board (that doesn’t know the difference between the port, starboard or stern sides of a boat) will decide everything, including: when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your boat along with how many people can ride on your boat, and determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their boat. They will also decide if your boat has outlived its usefulness, or if you must purchase specific accessories (like a $500 compass), or a newer and more expensive boat. Those who can afford yachts will be required to do so…it’s only fair. The government will also decide the name for each boat. Failure to comply with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.

Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a boat, they and their families can obtain boats free, at the expense of taxpayers. Unions, bankers and mega companies with large political affiliations are also exempt."

Again, this is only satire. Please do not try to sign up for an affordable boat. Besides, the web page portals are already jammed and the server crashed -- again.

Nationally syndicated columnist and retired military officer, William Hamilton, was educated at the University of Oklahoma, the George Washington University, the U.S Naval War College, the University of Nebraska, and Harvard University.

©2013. William Hamilton.

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Email: william@central-view.com