CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, July 2, 2018

U.S. Citizen wants to become an Illegal Alien

Satire. It is difficult to know if certain letters running around the Internet are real or fake news. But some of them are so satirically funny that they bear repeating. And Heaven knows in this time of: FBI-Spygate, swamp draining, immigration controversies, sexual harassment revelations, voter fraud, state and local elections, the coming midterm elections, marijuana problems, opioids, and the inevitably, all-out, partisan cat fight over the next confirmation of a new associate justice for the U.S. Supreme Court, we could use more humor. Edited only for clarity and brevity, what you see below purports to be a letter from an American citizen to his U.S. Senator. Bear in mind, this is satire.

Dear Senator:

As a native of my West coast state, and an excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien. They referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a U.S. citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and pay income taxes for only three of the last five years.

I know a good deal when I see one and I am eager to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year. So, I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding several years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This could yield an excellent result for me and my family because we have paid heavy taxes for many, many years.

Additionally, as an illegal alien, I could begin using the local hospital emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me, given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively, if possible), and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you in advance for your assistance. Your Loyal Constituent (hoping to reach "illegal alien" status rather than just be a legal citizen of the USA.)

(Signature unreadable)

©2018. William Hamilton.

Nationally syndicated columnist, William Hamilton, is a laureate of the Oklahoma Journalism Hall of Fame, the Nebraska Aviation Hall of Fame, the Colorado Aviation Hall of Fame, and the Oklahoma University Army ROTC Wall of Fame. In 2015, he was named an Outstanding Alumnus of the University of Nebraska. Dr. Hamilton is the author of The Wit and Wisdom of William Hamilton: the Sage of Sheepdog Hill, Pegasus Imprimis Press (2017). "Central View," can also be seen at: www.central-view.com.

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Email: william@central-view.com