CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, September 3, 2018

The Socialism Simulator App

Satire. Apparently, the suggestion made in a previous column that young Americans lusting to enjoy the blessings of Socialism spend some time in Venezuela, Nicaragua or Cuba fell on deaf ears. But wait. What if there could be a smart phone App called: Socialism Simulator? What if there’s a way to simulate what it would be like to live in one of those countries that goes by the name of The Democratic Socialist Republic of this or that?

Download Simulator App. Follow instructions: Give almost all your take-home pay to the government. Go get your drinking water from a muddy stream. Boil the water before drinking. Rent a porta-potty and put it a long way from your home. Once a week, place the human waste in a 55-gallon oil drum, add diesel fuel, and set fire to it. Avoid breathing the smoke.

Next, create some ponds of standing water. Grow your own mosquitoes. Take quinine and other drugs to ward off malaria and dengue fever. Wash your clothes in the muddy stream. Hang them on fence posts to dry. But watch them every moment, lest they be stolen.

Write letters-to-the-editor of your local newspaper protesting government oppression. Sleep on a straw mat. Get you neighbor to break down your door at 3:00 a.m. and force you out into the street in your PJs. Have him make you stand there while he conducts an invasive body search. Catch cold.

The next day go to the "free" health-care facility. Stand in the longest line you can find. When you get to the head of the line, ask to see a doctor. Take a multi-year calendar with you so, if you can get an appointment, you can note it down in the correct year.

When you get home, take all the food out of your pantry. Reduce your calorie intake to 1,200 or less-per-day. Stare at the empty shelves until it is time to go to the community soup kitchen. Do not take too much soup. Remember, Karl Marx said, "From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs."

Shop in the state-run stores. When you are ignored by the sales girl, try to remember she has no incentive to do a good job. She can neither be fired nor promoted. She is stuck right where she is.

Turn off your air conditioner. Do not add to global warming. Fix your radio so it can only get National Public Radio. Listen night and day, lest you be reported as disloyal to the regime.

Collect sand bags. Build a bomb shelter in your yard. If not already, civil war could break out at any moment. Raise your own chickens. But "free range" means they are likely to be stolen. Watch them like a hawk. Sorry, bad word choice.

Before dark, siphon all the gas from your car and hide it along with your windshield wipers. When you need to use your car, pour the gas back in and re-install your windshield wipers.

When you have had enough of Socialism, flee to the United States, cross the border illegally and receive all kinds of "free stuff" at American taxpayer expense. Close App. Return to Capitalism.

©2018. William Hamilton.

Nationally syndicated columnist, William Hamilton, is a laureate of the Oklahoma Journalism Hall of Fame, the Nebraska Aviation Hall of Fame, the Colorado Aviation Hall of Fame, and the Oklahoma University Army ROTC Wall of Fame. In 2015, he was named an Outstanding Alumnus of the University of Nebraska. Dr. Hamilton is the author of The Wit and Wisdom of William Hamilton: the Sage of Sheepdog Hill, Pegasus Imprimis Press (2017). "Central View," can also be seen at: www.central-view.com.

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Email: william@central-view.com