CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, April 8, 2019

Charles Dickens’ Mr. Pecksniff lives again!

Satire. In the wake of former Vice President Joe Biden’s unwelcome cheek-pecking, hair-sniffing, nose-rubbing, dust-up, House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, announced new guidelines for female Democrats when greeting males of either political party: Females should extend their right hand to its full length and make a firm, but non-lingering, handshake. If the male attempts to step forward to commit a hug (a misdemeanor, if not a felony, under today’s #Me,Too, Movement rules), step back and do not let the male invade your personal space or privacy zone. In other words, practice preventive peck-sniffery.

Taking its cue from Speaker Pelosi (who is third in line for the Oval Office), the National Park Service issued new guidelines for the behavior of Bull Elk in our national parks. Hitherto the Pelosi Pronouncement, it was the practice of the strongest Bull Elk to select and round up as many female Elk as possible and include them in his herd.

Apparently, the Bull Elk make their selections of female Elk based on the Bull Elk’s estimate of a female Elk’s reproductive capabilities. Moreover, the Bull Elk seem pleased when certain female Elk respond to their mating calls, known as bugling. Rejection by females is the ultimate fear of males of all species. So, when female Elk respond to their noisy bugling, the Bull Elk are known to bugle annoyingly louder.

Sadly, the less successful Bull Elk must face an entire year without any female Elk companionship. As the Congresswoman Comrade Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez points out, "The rich get richer, and the poor get poorer."

Concern for the bruised feelings of the rejected male Elk is causing the US Forest Service to insist on a more equitable distribution of female Elk among the Bull Elk population based on Comrade Bernie Sanders’ favorite saying: "From each according to his or her abilities and to each according to his or her needs."

However, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), are worried that this forced, unnatural dividing of the female Elk herds will cause the Bull Elk to gore a number of horses ridden by mounted Forest Service Rangers.

It should be noted that males of the human persuasion have DNA that programs them to be attracted to females who look like they have the ability to lactate very well and have a body shape that suggests good reproductive abilities. Some human females even resort to surgery in order to have more of what was known -- in pre-#Me, Too Movement, times -- as sex appeal.

Surprisingly, in a recent press conference, Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez, and other Democrat presidential front-runners, called for free sex. How strange. Earlier, she urged people to stop having children. Nevertheless, free sex would increase the number of Democrat voters at the polls. And, by reducing the voting age to 16, a permanent, unbeatable Democrat majority would happen sooner rather than later.

As for Joe Biden, it is unfortunate that he is not a politician in Europe where personal space or the privacy zone is much closer than in the USA. Indeed, that is why some Europeans think Americans are cold, stand-offish, and even rude. Meanwhile, erstwhile male presidential candidates would be well-advised to look, but not peck-sniff.

©2019. William Hamilton.

Nationally syndicated columnist, William Hamilton, is a laureate of the Oklahoma Military Hall of Fame, the Oklahoma Journalism Hall of Fame, the Nebraska Aviation Hall of Fame, the Colorado Aviation Hall of Fame, and the Oklahoma University Army ROTC Wall of Fame. Dr. Hamilton is the author of The Wit and Wisdom of William Hamilton: the Sage of Sheepdog Hill, Pegasus Imprimis Press (2017). "Central View," can also be seen at: www.central-view.com.

Dr. Hamilton can be contacted at:

Email: william@central-view.com