CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, June 27, 2022

Let’s hear it for a National Pothole Day!

It is now possible to celebrate 1,500 National Days. For example, National Groundhog Day is every February 2nd. Almost everyone knows that. But one wonders if there is a National Pothole Day? If not, there needs to be one. It might even cause some potholes to be repaired.

For example, in the parking lot for our local U.S. Post Office, there is a giant pothole. No one can recall how long the pothole has been there. But if there is a National Historic Pothole Registry for the Preservation of Historic Potholes, this particular pothole can qualify. But the problem with those National Historic Registries is that, once registered, the building, artifact, or whatever cannot be modified in any way. We would be stuck with that Historic Pothole just the way it is now, forever.

As to the depth of the Post Office Pothole, no one seems to know. But, if you shout "Hello" down the pothole, like young boys and girls used to shout down rain barrels, you hear a response that sounds something like "Ni hao."

Why, one might ask, has this particular pothole been allowed to exist for so long? Well, if you complain to the U.S. Postal Service, a quasi-governmental agency (GovSpeak for unaccountable), you will be told that the Postal Service does not own the Post Office Building and its parking lot. The Postal Service leases the building and the lot from a private vendor, the Lessor.

Why, one may ask, has no one contacted the Lessor? Apparently, the Lessor’s day job is with the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) and post office/parking area leasing is just a sideline. And, based on the mold and other botanicals growing on the floor of the Post Office, the Lessor may also be doing germ-warfare research for the U.S. Army. The Lessor remains incommunicado.

Why doesn’t some member of Congress pressure the Lessor to fix the giant pothole? According to Federal Election Commission (FEC) filings, the Brotherhood of Undercarriage Maintenance Providers (BUMP) is a major contributor to Congressional candidates.

At one time, it was hoped that someone would patent an automated pothole filler. Envision a machine as wide as one lane of traffic filled with hot asphalt mix. Under the machine is a laser that measures the dimensions of potholes: length, width, and depth. When the laser measures a pothole that meets the criteria for filling, the machine squirts the correct amount of hot asphalt into the pothole. Attached behind the pothole filling machine is huge roller that presses across the top of the pothole, smashing it flat with the surrounding asphalt.

Unfortunately, the efforts to patent an automated pothole fixing machine have been met with objections from the Green New Deal Lobby that is committed, along with high gas prices, to making vehicle driving as uncomfortable and as expensive as possible.

In addition, there are philosophical/religious objections by activists who believe Humankind is stuck with current conditions and must live without hope of a better future: Atheists Helping Obstruct Liturgical Endeavors (AHOLE).

Is there any hope for fixing the Post Office Pothole? No. Not while it is being protected by the U.S. Post Office, by the Lessor, by BUMP, and by a bunch of AHOLEs.

©2022. William Hamilton

Dr. Hamilton can be contacted at:

Email: william@central-view.com