CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, January 1, 2024

The Return of the Big Bad Wolf

Dear Miss Little Red Riding Hood:

Ever since Colorado voted to have Wolves, I have been watching you with renewed interest. Unfortunately, I am tracking you from Grand County, Colorado, where I am not wanted by the farmers and ranchers lest I eat their farm animals and pets.

I would be much happier in Boulder or Aspen where I am welcome, although I don’t think those Elites realize their Shih Tsu and Chihuahuas are such easy prey.

The Elites think we animals sit side-by-side on a log singing Kumbaya. Actually, we Wolves are quite social and organize our work in packs that can gobble up an entire log of Walt Disney singers before they can light their campfire.

Or, we can surround a single doe and take turns biting her legs until she falls down and we can rip her apart. Youtube.com has a video showing how we organize to rip and kill... But I do not think the Elites watch "snuff films" about deer.

Actually, before the Oregon wildlife authorities sent me to Colorado, I was quite happy because I could slip over into California where, if I limited my killing to fewer than 900 lambs, I was of no concern to law enforcement

Unfortunately, some of the farmers and ranchers of Grand County have large dogs to protect their farm animals. Also, I can detect the smell of Hoppe’s No. 9 gun oil which suggests the locals are getting their rifles ready to "Shoot, shovel, and shut up."

Speaking of the law, how strange that I am "protected" by law, but the farmers and ranchers are not. Pity the breadwinner who gets led away in handcuffs for trying to protect his or her animals. But then, that is not my concern.

Colorado, as you may know, is holding a naming contest for me and my comrade Wolves. I don’t think a name like "Bambi Killer" has a chance. I am hoping for something like "Lord Lupus." Also, this electronic collar makes me look like a dork. Not like a majestic wild animal.

I was going to apologize for eating your Jewish grandmother; however, since you graduated from Harvard, you probably see my actions in the "broader context." And, being from Harvard, you won’t mind me plagiarizing from Stalin who might have said something like this: The death of one Jewish grandmother is a tragedy; however, the death of a million Jewish grandmothers is merely a statistic. Or, to borrow from the French philosopher René Decartes, "I hunger. Therefore, I eat."

The Oregon Wildlife Department gave us some good PR when they told Colorado that we Wolves do not eat farm animals and pets. Right.

But, on the other hand, I, personally, have gotten some bad press. There was that business with Peter in Russia. But Peter was an anti-communist nekulterny and deserved to die. Two of the houses belonging to the Three Little Pigs didn’t meet Code. I huffed and puffed them down. The Pigs used the brick house for AirBnb rentals. Not wanting to live next to a no-tell motel, the angry neighbors torched it

Until we meet again, Big Bad

©2024. William Hamilton.

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