CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, January 8, 2024

The Big Bad Wolf Reveals the Truth

Satire, Part II. Fair disclosure: This column is a spin-off from someone’s satire about how the governors of California and Texas handled being attacked by a coyote. So, once again, the Big Bad Wolf reaches out:

Dear Miss Little Red Riding Hood:

As I watch your cabin, hoping you will walk in the woods, I see no chimney smoke. If you must choose between firewood and paying your Colorado taxes, I know why.

You see, Comrade Wolf in Grand County ate one lamb and killed the family pet, "Lamb Chop," just for the fun of it.. Farmer Brown shot at Comrade Wolf, but missed. Farmer Brown was arrested. For bail money, Mrs. Brown sold their milk cow which was bitten by Comrade Wolf but recovered. Trying to defend the

Satire, Part II. Fair disclosure: This column is a spin-off from someone’s satire about how the governors of California and Texas handled being attacked by a coyote. So, once again, the Big Bad Wolf reaches out:

Dear Miss Little Red Riding Hood: As I watch your cabin, hoping you will walk in the woods, I see no chimney smoke. If you must choose between firewood and paying your Colorado taxes, I know why.

You see, Comrade Wolf in Grand County ate one lamb and killed the family pet, "Lamb Chop," just for the fun of it.. Farmer Brown shot at Comrade Wolf, but missed. Farmer Brown was arrested. For bail money, Mrs. Brown sold their milk cow which was bitten by Comrade Wolf but recovered. Trying to defend the lambs and the cow, the Brown’s dog was bitten but also survived.

Because Farmer Brown shot at Comrade Wolf, the State of Colorado refused to compensate the Browns for their dead lambs. The Browns sued the State which engaged in delaying tactics for so long the Browns could not pay their legal bills. Farmer Brown died of a heart attack. The "death taxes" forced Widow Brown to sell the farm and go on welfare.

The Wolf-bitten milk cow and the dog were sent to Colorado State U. to be tested for rabies. The State got a lab bill for $1,000 dollars. Because of so many Wolf attacks needing adjudication, the State established a three-judge Wolf Hearing Adjudication Court (WHACO). Annual cost for three WHACO judges, office space, and court staff: $3 million.

An overworked Wildlife Officer was fired for failing to protect Farmer Brown’s farm animals. The Wildlife Officer sued the State for wrongful dismissal. A smart lawyer won him a $300-million-dollar settlement.

The State commissioned a study to determine better ways to protect farm animals from Wolves. Cost: $5 million.

Cost to the State for two dead lambs, the lawsuits, the judges, the study, and the lab fee was over $8 million. Consequently, Miss Riding Hood’s taxes were increased, meaning no firewood.

When Miss Riding Hood opened the top of her Dutch door to look outside Big Bad crept near. She told Big Bad in order to combat the ever-increasing cold, she needed more firewood. But high taxes forced her to eat cold Spam. She went on to observe that people who eat pork do not blow themselves up.

Big Bad told her about a trillion-dollar animal-rights, global-warming virtue-signaling industry that spends aver 60 percent of its donations on fund-raising and on sky-high salaries for executives who spend millions for tear-jerking TV Ads, leaving very little money for the good works they promise to perform. See: Suggested Reading.

The now wealthy Wildlife Officer ran for governor. Eliminating the Wolf Program lowered taxes. He shipped the Wolves to the Border Patrol, getting the Wolves lifetime medical benefits almost as generous as Congress. Big Bad got a medal for scaring off a fentanel-carrying caravan of illegal migrants.

Thanks to lower taxes, Little Miss Red Riding Hood was able to heat her home which she turned into a shelter for victims of Big Pharma’s faux Covid vaccines, for university-abused Jews, for unwed mothers, and as a new home for The Three Little Pigs.

Suggested reading: State of Fear by Michael Crichton, 2004.

©2024. William Hamilton. >lambs and the cow, the Brown’s dog was bitten but also survived.

Because Farmer Brown shot at Comrade Wolf, the State of Colorado refused to compensate the Browns for their dead lambs. The Browns sued the State which engaged in delaying tactics for so long the Browns could not pay their legal bills. Farmer Brown died of a heart attack. The "death taxes" forced Widow Brown to sell the farm and go on welfare.

The Wolf-bitten milk cow and the dog were sent to Colorado State U. to be tested for rabies. The State got a lab bill for $1,000 dollars. Because of so many Wolf attacks needing adjudication, the State established a three-judge Wolf Hearing Adjudication Court (WHACO). Annual cost for three WHACO judges, office space, and court staff: $3 million.

An overworked Wildlife Officer was fired for failing to protect Farmer Brown’s farm animals. The Wildlife Officer sued the State for wrongful dismissal. A smart lawyer won him a $300-million-dollar settlement.

The State commissioned a study to determine better ways to protect farm animals from Wolves. Cost: $5 million.

Cost to the State for two dead lambs, the lawsuits, the judges, the study, and the lab fee was over $8 million. Consequently, Miss Riding Hood’s taxes were increased, meaning no firewood.

When Miss Riding Hood opened the top of her Dutch door to look outside Big Bad crept near. She told Big Bad in order to combat the ever-increasing cold, she needed more firewood. But high taxes forced her to eat cold Spam. She went on to observe that people who eat pork do not blow themselves up.

Big Bad told her about a trillion-dollar animal-rights, global-warming virtue-signaling industry that spends aver 60 percent of its donations on fund-raising and on sky-high salaries for executives who spend millions for tear-jerking TV Ads, leaving very little money for the good works they promise to perform. See: Suggested Reading.

The now wealthy Wildlife Officer ran for governor. Eliminating the Wolf Program lowered taxes. He shipped the Wolves to the Border Patrol, getting the Wolves lifetime medical benefits almost as generous as Congress. Big Bad got a medal for scaring off a fentanel-carrying caravan of illegal migrants.

Thanks to lower taxes, Little Miss Red Riding Hood was able to heat her home which she turned into a shelter for victims of Big Pharma’s faux Covid injections, for university-abused Jews, for unwed mothers, and as a new home for The Three Little Pigs.

Suggested reading: State of Fear by Michael Crichton, 2004.

©2024. William Hamilton.

Dr. Hamilton can be contacted at:

Email: william@central-view.com